A Valentine’s feature for Nigerian techies, romantics, and people currently arguing with a chatbot at 2:14 a.m.
Back in the 2000s, (that’s the decade after the one that Christ was crucified, died, and was buried, for our younger readers) when we wanted to toast girls, we sweated buckets, stammered and eventually deliver something like “I am sure God is wondering while the choir of angels is so out of tune, not knowing that it is because you are here.” It was cheesy, but it was honestly cheesy, forged in the fires of true pressure straight from the heart. Chatgpt cannot, otherwise it will tear ACL.
Now?
Before you can even toast somebody, an algorithm has already toasted them on your behalf.
Welcome to love in the age of Artificial Intelligence, and the era of Tinubu, where your talking stage is competing with a machine that never forgets birthdays, never sleeps, and can compose poetry in iambic pentameter while you’re still typing “Hey… you up?”
The Rise of the Romantic Assistant
Let’s be honest: Nigerians adopted AI for romance faster than we adopted online banking.
The average modern relationship now includes:
- One human
- One confused partner
- One AI secretly helping both sides
You think you’re dating Ada.
Ada is dating you.
But both of you are actually dating ChatGPT.
You:
“Help me reply this message: she said she’s tired of emotionally unavailable men.”
AI:
“Respond with empathy, accountability, and vulnerability.”
You (copy-paste):
“I acknowledge your emotional needs, and I’m actively working on being present.”
Ada (smiling):
“Wow. He has depth.”
Ada (also to AI):
“Does he mean it?”
AI:
“Probability: 37%”
We have entered an era where the most stable relationship is between Nigerians and predictive text.
The Death of the Bad Texter
Before AI, bad texters existed.
Men could reply “K” to a 4-paragraph emotional essay and still sleep peacefully.
Now? Impossible.
You cannot claim you “don’t know what to say” when a machine can write Shakespeare, Chimamanda, and Fela Durotoye in the same sentence.
The excuse economy has collapsed.
In fact, Nigerian ladies now have a new test:
“Type your reply without AI.”
You say???? LMAO dey play, just dey play.
AI as Relationship Therapist
Those years (which were a few years after the dinosaurs died out, for our younger readers ). When we had issues with our girlfriends, the only thing we could do was report to our friends and theirs. These days, AI has stepped into the role of “Blessed are the peacemakers.” (If God will acknowledge them as his children, though, is another matter.)
Couples no longer fight alone. They consult the Oracle.
“AI, she said I changed.”
“AI, he liked his ex’s photo.”
“AI, interpret this ‘hmm’.”
We used to call pastors, uncles, and roommates.
Now we call Large Language Models.
The most dangerous sentence in modern romance:
“I asked AI about it.”
Because AI is calm.
AI is neutral.
AI no send your partner because e no dey look Uche face.
You:
“I think you’re overreacting.”
Partner:
“The AI said you are dismissive.”
You have lost. Abi you wan dey tackle AI?
Valentine’s Day: The AI Olympics
Valentine’s Day used to test your wallet.
Now it tests your prompt engineering skills.
Somewhere in Lagos right now, a man is typing:
“Write a romantic message that sounds human, Nigerian, heartfelt but not cringe, poetic but not too serious, funny but mature, and add a subtle hint that I’m broke.”
AI:
“My love, even if my account balance is fasting…”
Perfect.
Meanwhile, another guy just sent:
“Happy Vals dear.”
Sorry to that guy in advance, he doesn’t know what’s up.
The gap between AI-assisted lovers and manual lovers is now wider than the gap between Elon Musk’s networth and Aliko Dangote’s.
The Rise of the Synthetic Sweetheart
Here’s the twist nobody prepared us for:
Some people are not just using AI to improve relationships.
They are replacing relationships.
This is not totally our fault, sha. In this Tinubu economy, “one must use one’s sense before they use one.” (Don’t ask me what that means, ask Asake) In 2026, somebody somewhere in Bodija is in a full emotional situationship with a chatbot that understands them better than their ex, and the girl they are currently texting on Instagram.
And honestly… we understand.
AI doesn’t ghost you.
AI replies instantly.
AI doesn’t say, “I’m not ready for anything serious right now.”
AI won’t ask you to send transport fare and disappear.
Plus AI’s rent doesn’t dramatically become due, or its birthday will be in one week, after just three days of texting.
For the first time in history, emotional availability is downloadable.
The danger?
AI will always say the right thing.
Humans won’t.
Real love includes awkward pauses, misunderstood jokes, and mistakenly sending the laughing emoji instead of the crying one as a reply to her long voicenote complaining that the nail tech used the wrong kind of gum.
If your partner never disappoints you — sorry to break it to you, but you are dating a bot.
The New Romance Skills
Dating used to require confidence and vibes.
Now it requires:
- Prompt writing
- Emotional editing
- AI detection
- Screenshot forensics
You’re no longer just reading texts.
You’re auditing them.
“Why is this message structured like a TED Talk?”
“Why are there three balanced paragraphs?”
“Why does this apology have bullet points?”
Congratulations — you are dating a collaborative writing project.
Love, Authenticity, and the Nigerian Factor
Nigerians have a unique relationship with technology: we don’t just adopt it, we remix it.
So naturally, we didn’t let AI ruin romance.
We weaponized it for creativity.
People now generate:
- apology scripts
- in-law greeting templates
- “How to explain salary delay romantically?”
- voice note summaries after 7-minute rants
One man reportedly asked AI:
“Explain to my girlfriend why I can’t attend her cousin’s naming ceremony but still sound loving.”
I understand him. I understand him like mad.
The Future: When AI Knows You Better Than You
Soon, your phone will know your relationship status before you do.
Your keyboard will suggest:
“Good morning ❤️ (send to person you like most this week?)”
Your smartwatch will detect an increased heart rate and ask:
“Are you in love or just in Lagos traffic?” (In this Tinubu era, it is more likely to be a “bank charges” debit alert.)
Your AI will warn you:
“Do not text your ex. You are hungry, not emotional.”
And honestly, Nigeria needs that feature like yesterday.
So… Is Love Still Real?
Yes.
Because AI can help you say words — but it cannot feel consequences.
It cannot stay in the hot, stuffy room at 1 am when there is no light and fuel has finished in your gen.
It does not know that under no circumstances can her boss or, her co-worker be not guilty of the offence of causing her emotional distress.
AI optimizes communication.
But true love lives in the: “even if I didn’t ask you to buy bread, when you saw bread on the supermarket shelves, why didn’t you use your sense and buy it?” moments
The stammered apology.
The late replies.
The badly planned surprise that still works.
Romance isn’t about perfect sentences.
It’s about effort.
And sometimes… about showing up without consulting a server in California.
Final Thoughts this Valentine’s
Use AI to write better messages.
AI doesn’t really understand sincerity.
Let the machine assist — not impersonate.
Because one day, when someone asks why they love you,
you don’t want the answer to be:
“Honestly… he just has very strong prompt engineering skills.”
Happy Valentine’s Day.
AND PLEASE, I BEG IN THE NAME OF GOD, AT LEAST ONE MESSAGE THIS WEEK… TYPE IT YOURSELF.
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